Sunday, September 9, 2007

Jason watches Rob Zombie's "Halloween"

And I should've gone to the Castro for the William Friedkin series instead. But I'm still a little tired from Burning Man and just wanted to go to something local.

Okay, new rule, there shouldn't be any more remakes of movies that are perfect to begin with. In fact, if anyone wants to remake a movie, the only acceptable option is to remake "Teenage Hooker Became a Killing Machine in Daehakroh". I wanna see the $100M version of that.

As for Rob Zombie's "Halloween", well, it isn't John Carpenter's "Halloween" and it sure as shit isn't my "Halloween". I'm so disappointed in Rob Zombie. I enjoyed "House of 1000 Corpses" for the silly rock-video fun it was. I thought "The Devil's Rejects" was great and represented a real step forward for Mr. Zombie. And I didn't go into "Halloween" thinking it'd suck this much. I knew it'd be different, but I thought I could judge it on its own merits and not hold it up against the classic 1978 version. Problem is, the difference in quality is so pronounced that it felt like the 1978 version was reality and this was the cheesy insta-movie made to cash in on it. Other than the tits, it felt straight-to-late-night-TV bad. I don't know anyone who's ever said, "Ya know what 'Halloween' needs? It needs a bunch of gratuitous titties and it needs Michael Myers to take off his mask!"

I'm totally puzzled. Rob Zombie obviously knows horror movies, and he obviously knows "Halloween", so why doesn't he get Michael Myers. It's simple--Michael Myers doesn't need motivation, he doesn't need to be humanized, he's just fucking evil and he will kill you. Michael Myers doesn't cock his head quizzically to get a better look at you, by the time you see him he's already looking exactly where he needs to be. Seriously, in even the crappiest "Halloween" sequels, Michael Myers still has a menacing presence, all the worse because you can't understand him. It might be a minute out of a 90 minute shit-fest, but there will be a moment where I'm afraid of Michael Myers. This was the first time I was never afraid of him, and that's just sad.

If this movie ends the Michael Myers saga, and stops people from making more crappy sequels, then some good came of it. If anyone makes a sequel based on this movie, I'm going to cry.


Anonymous said...

Rob Zombie doesn't understand what makes a horror movie great, it's glaringly obvious.
And his HALLOWEEN is possibly the worst film I have ever seen. Malcolm McDowell has said he will never do a horror film again due to how bad RZ's attempt was. And this is the guy who starred in the straight to vid horror crapper THE DENTIST.

Dadmaniac said...

Speaking of remakes: Last weekend Mom and I went to see Hairspray. We have tickets to the musical up here in Anchorage in the Spring so I thought it would be good to see. Plus John Travolta as a woman...and married to Christopher Walken. Ohhhh...too delicious. Anyway, I never saw the John Waters original with Devine, but I have to say that I enjoyed this one very much. Aside from how rediculous it is to have students dancing and singing down the hall on the way to class, all the music was good and it was a little "time machine" back to the 60's for us. The Corny Collins Show (think Dick Clark) was great. It's hard to imagine one chubby girl singing and dancing and totally integrating the city of Baltimore. But still, great fun. John Travolta was way cool as a woman...but not one I'd want to date. And Michelle Pfeiffer as a bitch...awesome. All I can say is I'm sure glad Rob Zombie didn't make this movie!

puppymeat said...

Dad, you nearly made me shoot hot tea out of my nose thinking about Rob Zombie's "Hairspray".

That reminds me I should see that before it leaves theaters. I like the original Divine version (not a musical, BTW), and I saw the musical in Vegas starring Harvey Fierstein, and he was pretty good.

I'll still (barely) defend RZ's first two movies. "House of 1K Corpses" was crap in for characters and stories, it was nothing more than a setup for music-video style set pieces, but at least the set pieces paid off. And RZ was humble talking about how he was just learning to make movies and knows he has a long way to go. "The Devil's Rejects" was a marked improvement, so I figured the upward trend would continue. But with "Halloween", it's like his quality fell off a fucking cliff. Such a disappointment.

Dadmaniac said...

Hot tea out the nose. Now THAT would have been something to see! Maybe RZ can make a horror film where all the gory stuff shoots out people's noses...or maybe small furry aliens He could call it, "Nobody Nose the Tribbles I've Scene." (Sorry, I couldn't resist). You should be getting an awesome picture of you from Lisa's wedding any day one of you and Mike doing the L+J thing.