Monday, December 17, 2012

Jason goes to Bad Movie Night and watches THE NUTCRACKER 3D in glorious 2D

It doesn't lose anything with that missing dimension, unless the third dimension isn't depth, but competent filmmaking.

Apparently I didn't learn my lesson last year. To make things worse, as part of my 'I-won't-be-a-total-ass-(just-a-half-ass)-at-Bad-Movie-Night' pledge, I watched it sober this time. That was a mistake.

So let me continue to harp on the fact that Nathan Lane...plays Albert THE NUTCRACKER. This is empirically a worse career move than voicing a cartoon animal from Africa that most Americans have never heard of.

Consider this. In an alternate universe Nathan Lane never got famous for voicing the meerkat in THE LION KING. He is basically still a struggling actor, getting enough work to make a living but never being in high demand. This movie is in fact the biggest thing on his resume. He meets with a lot of casting directors and the conversation goes something like this.

Nathan Lane: Hi, I'm Nathan Lane, here's my resume [hands resume to casting director]
Casting Director: Interesting...[scans down the page, then stops] Oh! I see you were in a film version of THE NUTCRACKER, a delightful holiday classic! One of my favorites!
NL: Yes, I'm very proud of that one.
CD: What role did you play?
NL: Ummm...[whisper-mumbles] Albert Einstein.
CD: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
NL: Albert Einstein.
CD: Get the fuck out of my office!

Running Time: 110 minutes
My Total Minutes: 308,400

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