Monday, April 16, 2007

Jason watches Sleazy Sundays--April 15: Nature Revolts

Hey, this is the first Sleazy Sunday that wasn't some sort of holiday...unless you count the date when you'd normally have to file taxes if it weren't a Sunday. Okay, I got nuthin', on to the movies.

First up was "Squirm", the horrifying tale of killer worms. I would think that electrocuting worms would just kill them. Turns out it just pisses them off! (shows what a lousy physicist I am). And you might think a creeping mass of killer worms is laughable, but who's laughing when they burrow into a guy's face? I'll tell you who--me! Seriously, it was hilarious, and surprisingly gruesome. And giant piles of worms can be...well, at least really gross, if not quite terrifying. So let that be a lesson to you--don't leave a live power line dangling in worm-filled ground for days.

Next up was "Kingdom of the Spiders". As the title suggests, a town is overrun with killer spiders. Veterinarian Rack Hansen investigates a disease plaguing the local cattle. When the results come back from the lab at Arizona State, they come with beautiful scientist Diane Ashley (Tiffany Bolling) who explains that the cattle died from massive amount of spider venom! Then the rancher Walter Colby (Woody Strode) remembers seeing a giant spider mound. So they got some eradicating to do! Oh, and did I mention that Rack Hansen is played by William effin' Shatner! (that one's for you, dad!)

And finally, there was "Son of Blob" (aka "Beware! The Blob"). Larry Hagman apparently took massive amount of drugs and decided to direct a sequel to the blob. What really makes this movie a mind-fuck is the incredible number of bizarre side stories that never really get resolved, such as the old, fat Turkish guy who escapes from the blob while taking a bath, and runs down the street naked (Tiger Joe Marsh--who incidentally was the original Mr. Clean--is credited as "Naked Turk"). I can't describe it all, but I'll focus on just one little side story. Dick Van Patten shows up as a scoutmaster leading a group of boys on a camping trip. Thing is, if you look closely all the boys have different troop numbers on their uniforms, and even different locations listed (although as far as I can tell, all from southern California). This puzzled me for a moment, until I came to the conclusion that there's an untold story there. Dick Van Patten isn't a scoutmaster leading a troop on a hike. He's a creepy old man who's been kidnapping boy scouts and forces them to follow him everywhere. I don't know the full story, but I'm sure there's a spin-off potential there.

And that's that.


Erk Schmerk said...

Wasn't that spider movie back from when Shatner... um, was still sexy? I don't mean that in a gay way, of course. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Man, that's old...

puppymeat said...

"Kingdom of the Spiders" was 1977. Post Trek series, pre-Trek movies, pre-T.J. Hooker. He was definitely chunkier than in Star Trek, and he's got the weird hair thing he has in the movies, but not exactly fat. No longer the young stud, he's growing into being a mature, suave man. Just for a moment, before he becomes an embarassment.