Jason enter the Cinema Zone for some cheap blockbuster rip-offs

THE MAN WHO SAVES THE WORLD (aka TURKISH STAR WARS, 1982): I had always heard about the crazily permissive Turkish copyright laws, and how it results in bizarre movies that take a famous character and very little else (like the Turkish SPIDER-MAN, where Spider-Man is the villain.) Well, now I've finally seen one of them, and I can't unsee it. It steals a lot of actual footage from Star Wars, just spliced together out of order and without any of the main characters. Instead, you've got two guys running around in the desert fighting against some evil monsters...with the Indiana Jones theme playing the whole time. There were no subtitles, but I don't think it would have made any difference.

MAC AND ME (1988): By this time I was the only customer left, so it was a private screening for me, Mike Keegan (holy cow! It was Mike and Me!) and our lovely bartender Kae (thank you for the world tour of hot chocolate and liquor!) I knew about this movie only through Paul Rudd's running gag on Conan O'brien. After seeing the movie, I can tell you that Paul Rudd's running gag is the best thing about it. An E.T. ripoff financed by McDonald's and featuring the creepy alien hidden in a teddy bear dancing in a McDonald's. It also ends with the whole alien family becoming U.S. citizens, and I just can't believe that. Americans welcoming immigrants, that would never happen!

Total Running Time: 190 minutes
My Total Minutes: 374,452

Jason enters the Cinema Zone to see some kids in trouble

A couple of films a couple of Thursday's ago, and it was a weird one.

CARNIVAL MAGIC (1981) by famed sleaze-merchant Al Adamson, making a kid's movie for some reason. Markov "the" Magnificent (yes, that's what his sign says) is a true magician working in a two-bit carnival. And although he has a super-smart chimp named Alex, he's reluctant to put him in the show. Until...he does, and becomes the biggest star. And incites the wrath of carnival's previous star attraction. So...wacky hijinx ensue, in what is sure to be the only "kid's movie" (I put this in quotes because I'm not sure anyone involved has ever seen a child) with the line, "vivisection is such a dirty word."

LOST IN THE DESERT (aka DIRKIE, 1969): Director Jamie Uys (THE GODS MUST BE CRAZY) tortures his son. No, seriously, his son stars as Dirkie, a little boy with a lung condition who survives an airplane crash on the way to his uncle's ranch. And so he and his dog survive (barely) the dangers of the Kalahari, while he endures the tortures of the damned. I'm assuming Dirkie is still in therapy to this day, to get over what his own father did to him to make this movie. Anyway, it's actually a pretty damn good movie, worth torturing your son for.

Total Running Time: 167 minutes
My Total Minutes: 373,844

Jason enters the Cinema Zone for some 80s Boner Comedies

Tee hee, boners!

THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN (1982): First up was this painfully sincere while also very funny remake of director Boaz Davidson's Israeli teen boner comedy classic LEMON POPSICLE (1978.) The Israeli version--based somewhat on Davidson's own experiences growing up--spawned (pun intended) eight sequels, while the American version, released between PORKY'S and FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH had none, and is largely forgotten. But I'd put THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN up against any of them for comedy, and light-years ahead for sincerity, pathos, drama, controversy (minor spoiler, but there's an unintended pregnancy that is dealt with) and the absolute misery that it is to be a raging mound of teenage hormones.

FAST FOOD (1989): And then there was this...whatever it was. A PG-13 not-very-funny comedy starring Traci Lords and Jim Varney in one of his rare non-Ernest roles. Jim is arguably the best thing about the movie. That needs to be repeated...Jim Varney...not playing the role of Ernest...is the best thing about this movie. And you would think in a movie about a gas station turned burger joint with a secret sauce made from a potion that turns people uncontrollably horny would have something better going for it. Maybe if it wasn't PG-13.

Total Running Time: 184 minutes
My Total Minutes: 372,731

Jason goes to Cinema Zone and sees HELL HOUSE

I actually saw HELL HOUSE (2001) back at SFIFF long ago...like before I started this blog and even before I started keeping records of what movies I have seen. So that means I don't have an old review to fall back on (I probably did write it up back when I was just sharing my reviews with friends and family via e-mail, but that's long lost to the mists of time.)

Anyway, it's a fascinating look at the Trinity Church (Assemblies of God) in Cedar Hill, Texas and their annual tradition of a haunted house showing their version of real-life horrors of immorality and hell. The point being to save the guests souls at the end. And I remember back when I first saw it I laughed at it. Silly Christians and their phony scares. And I still kind of believe that (I doubt I would be converted by Hell House) but I no longer think they're that silly. Instead I see a group of people dedicated to a belief and a cause, who work hard at it, and are still respectful of people who don't believe. And the work they put into it, and the quality of their product...it's actually pretty good. And this movie...it's actually pretty great.

Running Time: 85 minutes
My Total Minutes: 371,745

Jason goes to Cinema Zone and sees THE TRIAL OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK

Jeff Ross of Indiefest and Mike Keegan of...well, formerly of the Roxie but now of an assortment of bay area movie events (including Indiefest) bring a new weekly event, at an undisclosed location. I didn't stick around for Roger Corman's infamous version of THE FANTASTIC FOUR, but I did see this first one

TRIAL OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK was supposed to be a pilot for a Daredevil TV series that never took off. Bruce David Banner is implicated in a mob crime (he was just stepping in to keep a woman from getting raped and/or murdered, and hulked-out a bit.) So blind lawyer Matt Murdock is his only hope. And the only hope for the entire city against the evil Kingpin (John Rhys-Davies.) But the whole time I'm thinking that you can't put this guy on trial. You especially can't put him on the witness stand becaus...[wait for it]...he's not credible!

Thank you, that is all.

Running Time: 100 minutes
My Total Minutes: 371,458