And I enjoyed it.
I appreciate most of the criticism, especially the criticism that can fit under the umbrella of "the existence of this movie is entirely unnecessary." I just don't care, I still enjoyed it.
It's a fun action movie. Alden Ehrenriech is not Harrison Ford, but he's fine in the role. He's not the character we meet early in the original STAR WARS, because he still has some adventures to hone him into the cynical braggart we meet there. And he doesn't look the same because (and this is entirely head-canon) in some adventure between now and then he has to get plastic surgery to escape from some gangster...but not change his name.... Okay, it's not perfect, but it's still fun.
Yeah, it hits a bunch of points that didn't really need to be hit, but were entirely expected fan service. We learn how he got his name, how he met Chewbacca, how they became lifelong friends (kinda, I'm still unclear why Chewie doesn't run off and rescue more Wookies without Han,) how he got the Millennium Falcon, and most importantly...he shoots first. I don't care about that, it's everything else that's fun.
Oh yeah, and there's a big surprise cameo near the end (that if this were a Marvel movie would've been a post-credits scene. It's fine where it is.) And some origins of the nascent rebellion that are pretty cool. But that's just teasing possible follow-up films. The important thing is the action sequences are well done and they keep cooking one after another. It's just a fun movie. A fun, unnecessary movie.
Running Time: 135 minutes
My Total Minutes: 480,113