Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Jason goes to Bad Movie Night and watches TOTAL RECALL (2012)

What the fuck was that!?

Okay, it kept the three-boobed prostitute, but it was just a random cameo that simultaneously made no sense and made more sense than anything else in the movie.

I'm technically going to get spoiler-y here, but I don't care because you can't spoil shit. They never get their ass to Mars. Instead, Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell, stepping into the Arnold Schwarzenegger role for some reason) lives in "the colony" (Australia) and works in "U.F.B." (United Federation of Britain, i.e., the U.K. Or just Ultra Fucking Boring.) To commute every day, he (and thousands of other workers from The Colony) travel through "The Fall." That's a giant tunnel through the center of the earth, with a building-sized transport vessel and a fancy-shmancy zero-gravity part near the center of the Earth.

Blah blah blah...shit happens. U.F.B president/meth chemist Heisenberg plans an invasion of The Colony. But Quaid/Hauser/Bullseye/whoever stops him by...blowing up The Fall. Which destroys the ability for thousands, if not millions of colonists to commute to work, plunging their economy into chaos. But at least he thwarted the invasion, because in the future there's no way to get from the U.K. to Australia without going through the center of the fucking earth!?

Running Time: 118 minutes
My Total Minutes: 310,755

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