So I've never seen (and hopefully never will see) MEGASHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS, which this movie is something of a sequel to. I'd like to be charitable and say that put me at a disadvantage, but I'm pretty sure this would be a puzzling, irredeemable mess even if I knew the backstory. First puzzling question, what the hell is Jaleel "Urkel" White doing in this? I mean, even if he blew all his "Family Matters" money, he hasn't lowered himself to porn yet (that I know of, it's not like I do a daily google search for "Jaleel White porn"...really, I don't), so he still has relatively respectable options. Anyway, he incorporates a "why am I here" 100 yard death stare into his role as a shark scientist. There's some other guy, kind of a rascal, who is the croc expert. And they fight at first. If only they killed each other, we'd get some relief, but instead they learn to work together and do something about the Megashark and Crocosaurus...see, the croc is protecting her eggs (there are apparently a billion croc eggs despite being only one Crocosaurus) and Megashark thinks Crocosaurus eggs are the tastiest thing ever. Oh, and at one point the shark swallows a nuclear submarine so they can't destroy it without causing a nuclear explosion. But honestly, by then I couldn't even care about a frikkin' shark with a frikkin' nuke in it's belly.
Next month--zombies, starting with NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD 3-D.
Running Time: 88 minutes
My Total Minutes: 249,030