Jason goes to Holehead--Opening Night

San Francisco's best (only?) festival of horror, fantasy, and sci-fi movies kicked off last night. As always, I'm there in front row center for all of it.

I didn't make it up for the 5:20 screening of HAUNTED CHANGI (I'll catch it next Thursday), so for me the fest started with RED ICE. It's a local Bay Area production about demons, drugs, and hardcore flute action. Beelzebub is pissed that a Succubus is horning in on his San Francisco territory, so he sends his Chinese demon Mr. Wu to assassinate her. Wu hatches an elaborate plot to get a mortal (drug addict/flutist/aerospace software engineer) Evan to do the dirty work. The plot involves super-crank from hell (literally) called Red Ice. And then the plot gets complicated. There are many scenes I liked in and of themselves, and the makeup effects for such a low budget effort deserve praise, but all through the movie I kept wondering where this was going. Once it was over, I still didn't know. Even the Red Ice I didn't quite get--I don't know if this is an anti-drug movie, a pro-drug movie, or just a movie in which drugs exist. I can't say that this is an obviously great movie, but it may be one I'm puzzling over for some time to come.

HELLDRIVER, on the other hand, is no puzzle at all. It's just kick-ass, crazy, frenetic Japanese action that Holehead shows so often. A sadistic mother and uncle who butcher a father. A tormented daughter. A space rock that turns people into zombies with tiny tumor-antlers that are both a powerful narcotic and a powerful contact explosive. And a kick-ass team (including the daughter) of death-row inmates turned volunteer zombie hunters. And non-stop, almost exhausting action. This mythical "Japan" where such movies come from seems awesome. If only it were real, I'd love to visit it sometime (but I don't think I'd last that long).

And finally the midnight show, starting with the important public service announcement ZOMBIEFICATION. Safety procedures to follow in the event of a zombie outbreak in the theater.

And finally, the night ended with EATERS, one of (at least) three Uwe Boll films in the festival (I don't know what's up with Holehead's relationship with Boll, perhaps I'll have more to say after AUSCHWITZ or BLOODRAYNE 3). This one was produced but not directed by him. It's an Italian zombie flick, and I can't shake the feeling that there's a significant amount of Italian/European social satire that went right by me (come to think of it, I think there was Japanese social/political satire in HELLDRIVER, too). A small group of humans live in a world taken over by the undead. The world is also populated by Neo-nazis, crazy artists, people who make a game of zombie sharpshooting, a scientist who thinks zombiism might just be the next step of human evolution, and the daughter of the plague spreader who might be the key to a cure. In the middle of it are two zombie hunters trying to capture a live specimen to bring back to scientist Gyno so he can continue looking for a cure. But through it all they talk about mundane stuff like bad cooking, beer, had not being able to piss when they're being watched. And, of course, there's plenty of nihilistic zombie-killing action. My only complaint is there is so much dialogue the subtitles fly by too fast for me to read them.

And that's the start of Holehead, 2011 edition.

Total Running Time: 311 minutes
My Total Minutes: 237,377

Jason goes to bad movie night and watches SURROGATES

Thank god Bruce Willis month is finally over. Now if only they could invent a robot that could've watched this movie for me.

I need to review this about as much as anyone needs to see it. Don't bother, just watch all other sci-fi movies ever made, it steals from all of them. Here's a hint to tell if you're watching SURROGATES. Check to see if there's a single original idea in the movie. If the answer is, "yes" then no, you're not watching SURROGATES.

Running Time: 89 minutes

My Total Minutes: 237,066

Jason watches THE HANGOVER II

And it's exactly like the first one. Crude, sometimes funny, mostly just shocking. Plus they've moved it to Thailand, so they can make some vaguely racist observations about Bangkok. But at least I got some more Zach Galifianakis for my become-a-Zach-Galifianakis-fan project (he was good in it, as before, as the blissfully unaware instigator).

Best part of the movie: when the family with little girls sitting next to me got up and left. I won't spoil the scene, but they got up and left right when...it was too late.

Running Time: 102 minutes

My Total Minutes: 236,977

Jason goes to the Niles Film Museum and sees IT

As in IT, starring Clara Bow, The "It" Girl (formerly the Brooklyn Bonfire, this is the movie that gave her the nickname that stuck).

But first a couple of shorts, on ladies night at Niles.

THE NEW YORK HAT (1912): Mary Pickford's mother passes away, leaving her a very special inheritance in the care of the pastor. See, with her miserly father she'll never need for food or shelter, but she will have no joy. So the pastor is in charge of money to buy her things she wants, but doesn't need. Of course, for some reason she doesn't know that. And when the pastor buys her a fancy new hat, gossipy tongues wag. Pretty funny.

THE DANGER GIRL (1916): A madcap Keystone comedy starring Gloria Swanson, sometimes dressed as a man. To be honest, I couldn't follow half of it, but it was pretty manic. Something about protecting her brother from marrying a "danger" girl.

Then a brief intermission, and the main show

IT (1927): Clara Bow, of course, in her most famous role. Based on the novel by Madame Elinor Glyn, who helpfully shows up in the movie to explain exactly what "It" is--pure, honest sex appeal. Clara Bow as Betty Lou, of course, has "It." So does her wealthy employer, Cyrus Waltham (Antonio Moreno). So they'd be a perfect match, as long as Cyrus' assistant Monty Montgomery (decidedly "It"-less comic relief courtesy of William Austin) doesn't get in the way. Of course, no good deed goes unpunished, and for helping her kind-hearted but down-on-her-luck neighbor keep her baby, Betty Lou gets branded with an undeserved reputation. But not even that can keep someone with "It" down. Brilliant and sexy, from when Hollywood knew how to make them that way.

Next week at Niles, check out Charlie Chaplin Days, with all the movies Charlie made in Niles (matinee shows) and the regular Saturday night show is THE KID with Jackie Coogan.

Total Running Time: 106 minutes

My Total Minutes: 236,875

Jason watches WIN WIN

Part of my ongoing project of taking too many business trips to Cleveland, and while I'm there checking out the cool places for cinephiles. Last week was the Cedar Lee Theatre. Like most art house cinemas it's in a bit of disrepair, but it has a great program and you can get a beer with your movie--awesome! I had the good fortune of going there on a night there was a thunderstorm. I was one of only three people in the screening, and an usher came up before the show and explained that if the power went out or the storm warning increased, we would evacuate and take shelter in the basement. That didn't happen, but I did get to listen to the booming thunder outside all through the movie. It wasn't really the right movie for that.

As for the movie, WIN WIN showcases the acting talent of Paul Giamatti as Mike Flaherty, a struggling lawyer and volunteer wrestling coach. The title seems ironic at first, with not much winning in either his professional life (he doesn't even have money to fix the furnace, which might go at any moment) or his wrestling team. He pulls a bit of a fast one when he volunteers to be the legal guardian for a wealthy but senile client Leo Poplar (Burt Young) and then cashes the checks while putting him in a home. All well and good (and illegal/unethical) until Leo's grandson comes to visit. He's got a story about how he can't go back home to his mother, and this seems like just another headache for Mike until it turns out the kid is a brilliant wrestler. In fact, there might eventually be some winning going on. Or instead his past misdeeds will catch up with him. Good acting and well rounded characters.

Running Time: 106 minutes

My Total Minutes: 236,769

Jason goes to Bad Movie Night and watched THE FIFTH ELEMENT

And it's just like the actual fifth element of the periodic table, Boron...in that it's a combination of boring and moronic. Although I have to give Chris Tucker some credit, it's refreshing to absolutely loathe the black guy without being labelled a racist. Other than that, there are some glimpses of Mila Jovovich's boobies, so it's not all bad.

Running Time: 126 minutes

My Total Minutes: 236,663

Jason watches PIRATES OF THE CARRIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES in 3D

Unless I'm misremembering, the third POTC movie ended with Jack Sparrow "dead"...ish. That is, he had taken over Davy Jones' role as captain of the Flying Dutchman, ushering souls of the departed into the underworld. Or something like that. Anyway, ON STRANGER TIDES makes no effort to explain how he's no longer in that role. He's just...back in the land of the living. So I spent the first 5 minutes wondering why Jack Sparrow isn't dead...and the last two hours wishing I was.

In the closing credits, we learn the movie is "suggested by" the novel by Tim Powers, but apparently it was actually scripted by a mechanical plot-twist generating device. By far the worst plot twists are at the end, setting up the inevitable sequels.

You know, there was a time, early on in this series, that Geoffrey Rush as Barbossa could hold my full attention just by eating an apple and waxing poetic about his inability to taste anything. Now I don't give a damn when Ian McShane's Black Beard waves his hands and makes the rigging fly around capturing everyone. All flash, no character, even for the characters who used to have character.

Running Time: 137 minutes

My Total Minutes: 236,537