Monday, June 11, 2012

Jason goes to Bad Movie Night and watches ALIEN and ALIENS

Wait a minute, those are good movies! And wait another minute, Bad Movie Night is just one movie, not two!

Well, once a year we do a special birthday night for our hosts, Sherilyn and Rhiannon, who both celebrate birthdays in mid-June. And last night, as part of alien invasion month (and to mock the opening of PROMETHEUS,) we did the classics ALIEN and ALIENS.

Now it can be a problem to make fun of good movies. Luckily, there are many, many long, slow scenes in ALIEN that give you plenty of opportunity to complain about how boring it is. But mostly I was banking on making lots of jokes about "molecular acid." That's right, there's one line in ALIEN where they mention that the alien's blood eats through everything so fast that it's like its made out of..."molecular acid." I've always laughed at that, and I was looking forward to a long 4+ hours of making molecular acid jokes. Sigh....

Fortunately, the nice lady named Rose who was sitting near me made a comment that the chest-burster scene is supposed to be a homophobic nightmare. Now I had thought it was just a scary scene, and maybe a bit about a male fear of pregnancy, but not particularly homophobic. But the chestburster alien is vaguely penis-shaped, and the theory is homophobes are afraid of taking a cock up the ass so far it bursts out of the chest. I...don't really buy that. I think homophobes have enough fear of a cock up the ass without thinking about it coming out their front. And homophobes are generally familiar with the size of a human penis, and know it can't really do that. But then the conversation turned to that guy who died from having sex with a horse, and how you should only be the top when fucking a horse. And then someone made a "pussy" joke about Jonesy the cat, and so we started talking about sex with cats. Anyway, I'd just like to publicly thank Rose for helping me hate that movie.

ALIENS, by the way, is the complete opposite, a testosterone celebration of the phallic might of military power. Guns go bang--a lot! Whatever.

Total Running Time: 270 minutes, because for some reason we had to go with the extended director's cuts of both.
My Total Minutes: 287,943

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