Thursday, May 10, 2018

Jason watches AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR

I've had a rule about Marvel films for a while. For a fun ride, see the first of each character's solo films. To move the overall story forward, see a Captain America film. For bloated fan service, see an Avengers film. (The individual character sequels are hit and miss. And for the most fun possible, see a Taika Waititi film.)

Well, I'm gonna say that the pattern still holds.

"But Jason!" I can hear you screaming (because apparently I'm a psychic?) "This totally moved the world forward! Think about all the heroes who died, along with half the life in the universe! Surely that moves the universe forward!"

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. Fuck you! There will be SPOILERS!

But the thing is, if everyone dies but is still under contract for more movies, I don't for a second believe any of them are dead--and neither do you. And I know I'm just being a cranky old man here. I heard audible gasps in the theater for nearly all the deaths (Yeah, especially that one. And that other one, too.) But they have zero weight. Some magic will bring them back by the next movie. Maybe someone else will really, really die. But I still won't care because there will always be the ability to bring them back.

And I know, even though I don't read the comics, that dead characters returning is a common occurrence in the comics. But why would you want the most annoying thing about comic books to be transferred to the movies?

But that's just minor league crankiness. My real beef is with Thanos. He wants to "balance the universe." The world is overpopulated, so his plan is to kill half of all life in the universe. But dude...have you ever met life? It's really, really fucking (literally fucking) good at making more life, and it really enjoys doing it. You think you can control life with these sissy-ass half measures!? The next movie should start 1 year later, with Thanos checking in on how his balancing plan has worked, then screaming "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!! They've repopulated how much already!!!"

Now if he really wanted to tackle overpopulation, he would've snapped his fingers and turned half the universe sterile. Plus the audience would witness the heart-wrenching scene of Peter Parker saying, "Mr. Stark...my balls feel funny."

Anyway, the movie was a lot of fun, action-packed and did a great job juggling all those characters all over the universe. Can't wait for the next one!

Running Time: 149 minutes
My Total Minutes: 478,249
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