Monday, January 21, 2013

Jason goes to Bad Movie Night and Watches SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN

A recent article in the New England Journal of Medicine describes the treatment of Clostridium difficile via fecal transplant (MSNBC article for the layperson.) The next step in the research is replacing donor feces with ground up DVD's of SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN, on the hypothesis that they're basically the same thing.

Okay, that's not actually true, but if you do come across a DVD of this movie, I advise you go ahead and shove it up your ass. Under no circumstances should you let it get anywhere near a DVD player. I am not a doctor, but I do work in the medical field, so I know something of what I'm talking about.

Charlize Theron plays a queen who is so evil, she's made entirely out of crows. No kidding, multiple times she bursts into a murder of crows (did you know the word for multiple crows is a "murder?"), flies away, and then reassembles as some sort of crow-Voltron.

The queen destroys all nature. Except, I guess, crows. I guess they're not part of nature because they're black (shit, this movie is more racist than...me.) But the nature she destroyed is full of creepy trees made of snakes, turtles covered in moss, and fairies that jump out of birds' chests. This did not fill me with whimsy, unless whimsy takes the form of screaming, "Aaaaagh! Kill it! Kill it with fire!" I guess the queen is supposed to be evil because she killed it with magic instead. Or is she evil because she didn't kill all of it?

Snow White is locked in the tower for her entire childhood, where the queen could kill her whenever she wanted. Instead she waits for Snow White to escape.

The magic "mirror" looks like a giant gong, and is not that reflective. It sucks as a mirror, and is not actually hung on the wall. Are they just trolling us at this point?

The huntsman is played by Thor. He was cast so that when he picks up an axe we could make jokes about his Thorax. That got old way too fast.

The dwarves are played by full-size actors either cropped or CGI'd to look small. Bob Hoskins is their leader, and he always looks really sad. I'm not sure if his character is supposed to be sad, or if he's just sad that he's in this movie.

Incidentally, one dwarf dies in battle, but in the final scene there are still seven dwarves. I don't know (or care) if there were originally eight or if Snow White brings him back to life with magic (apparently she has the magic of prettiness that can reverse all the queen's evil. Maybe that includes being shot through by an arrow.)

Snow White is played by Kirsten Stewart. I know it's "fashionable" to make fun of her blank, expressionless face. Wait, did I say "fashionable?" I meant to say "absolutely spot on accurate." I cannot tell from her face whether she's sad, orgasmic, or comatose.

Speaking of comatose, she briefly falls into a coma when she bites the poisoned apple. If she'd taken my advice and shoved it up her hoo-ha and shot it across the forest to the delight of the dwarves, huntsman, and gathered freak-animals she would've been fine. Call me a pervert, but who's got the survival skills here?

I think that's a good note to end on.

Running Time: 127 minutes
My Total Minutes: 311,153
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