Yeah, so I started watching the Oscars at the Roxie's legendary "Up The Oscars!" party, but had to bail early to get over to the Dark Room and host Bad Movie Night. Normally I'd take any opportunity to skip the narcissistic festival of self-fellatio that is The Oscars. But why did I skip it for an even bigger festival of self-fellatio? Tons of action stars (plus Dolph Lundgren) get together to make a dumb-ass movie about some made up Caribbean island that's under the thumb of some drug lord and...fuck it, I just can't care. You know what happens if that island isn't freed? NOTHING!!!! Life goes on. Sucks for the hundreds of people living on the island, but you know what? The island is made up. So I don't care what happens to them.
I will say, it's definitely the movie for anyone who has been dying to see the playful, homoerotic competition between Dolph Lundgren and Jet Li. And for anyone who has wanted to see that...I'd tell you to seek help, but I think you're beyond hope.
Running Time: 103 minutes
My Total Minutes: 224,533